Always in my heart

"I can't imagine heaven's lullabies and what they must sound like. But I will rest in knowing, Heaven is your home and it's all you'll ever know...Baby let sweet Jesus hold you, 'til mom and dad can hold you, you'll just have Heaven before we do..." -- Glory Baby by Watermark

Oh sweet baby my heart aches that I will never get to hold you in my arms. In just 10 short weeks you touched my heart in a way that its never been touched before. But now you are in Heaven and I believe that you were welcomed with open arms not only by your Heavenly Father, but also by all our loved ones…give grandma Ruby a kiss for me because I miss her dearly.

Know that you'll always be our first. Know that you are were loved already – by your dad and mom, grandparents, aunts and uncles and many friends and family. And know that even though I didn't get to hold you in my arms, you'll always, always be held in my heart.

With all my love,
Mom

Mis...Nevermind.

There is a word that has been hardly uttered since I first found out that Stacy is pregnant. This word would send shivers down the spine of anyone expecting a baby. Life is busy and fills up quickly, so when you start to plan for the baby's arrival, you almost completely forget about this word, at least I had, until Sunday.

Stacy, my wife, my love, the mother of my eventual child came to me Sunday and told me that things don't seem right. We are now waiting, praying and keeping our mouths shut fearing we might have to experience this "word" first hand. If it happens we will be okay, but we will also grieve our loss.

As we approach parenthood I will remember, I am weak, but He is strong. "The Lord gives and takes away, still I will choose to say blessed be the Name of the LORD!" Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Reactions!?!

Watching people respond to the news that we are having a baby has been interesting and could be turned into some sort of psychological study. Stacy's friends have cried, screamed, jumped up and down...practically done every thing but kiss Stacy's belly.

My friends have responded differently.

Usually, they always say "congratulations" but it sometimes seems forced. It sounds like congratulations on the outside, but inside they might be thinking, "I am sorry, your life as you know it is over now."

To be honest, before I was the one making the announcement, that is exactly how I have felt when my friends told me. But now...that it is me...telling my friends that I am going to be a dad...well, I want them to cry, scream, jump up and down, and "hey don't even think about kissing Stacy's belly :-)

Out with the old, in with the new

I do not enjoy cleaning and organizing. At all. This comes as no surprise to those who know me well. In fact, I would rather do just about anything else.

However, prior to discovering we were expecting, I had started to transfer the contents of my 'craft room' to another room (since I didn't use my craft room for anything other than storage anyway). For the past month we have been living with boxes, bags, piles of papers and lots-o-scrapbooking stuff filling the hallway and two rooms because I have avoided this unappealing project.

For my organization-is-my-life friends, this would be a dream come true. For Ryan and I, it is a nightmare. We are pack rats and have not acquired any organization skills whatsoever. So on this beautiful, sunny holiday weekend, I spent an entire day sorting, throwing, organizing and condensing.

But I am not complaining. As I moved out 30 plus years of stuff, I moved in a baby swing, a pack-n-play and some onesies.

And now I'll spend the next seven months praying that this new little babe of ours does not acquire our organizational skills.

Last week

Last week my sister's best friend, Tracy, lost her baby. She was about two weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy. I can't imagine the hurt and grief of going through a miscarriage. Many of my friends have had a miscarriage. At almost 9 weeks, I already love this little babe so much.

I'm fearful of what the next few weeks could hold, but I try to remember one of my favorite quotes: I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.

Without that certainty, it would be difficult not to worry constantly. But with that certainty, I can rest assured that my baby's days were numbered before one of them even came to be (Psalm 139).

Until now, I don't think I ever TRULY understood the grief and loss associated with a miscarriage. Tracy asked us to pray that her heart would heal as fast as her body has. So today's posting is for Tracy and for all my other friends who didn't have the opportunity to hold their sweet babies in their arms before they went to be with Jesus.

My heart hurts for each one of you and I pray God will use that experience - whether weeks, months or years ago - to draw you closer to Him.

About the size of thumbnail

It is amazing. Our baby is only the size of thumbnail this week. Just eight weeks in though and it is starting to develop eyelids, arms, legs and toes are present. So cute. I am amazed at how much fun this is!

June 22

6.22.93
Ryan drove me to the Mall of America for our first date. We were 17, young, energetic and quickly fell in love. Eight years later we became husband and wife.

6.22.06
Ryan drove me to our first doctor's appointment for our new baby. We are not so young anymore, but the love I have for this father-to-be just keeps growing. In about seven months, around Feb. 4, 2007, we will become daddy and mommy.